If You Don’t Have Anything Nice To Say, Sit Next To Me (Sandals Edition)

***Let me preface this by saying, I am normally a very nice person. But Covid Sucks and life’s been stressful. So I’m venting. So, if you enjoy a little cattiness now and then, sit down and stay awhile. If not, come back tomorrow when I might be feeling myself again***

What in the actual Hell is going on with sandals this season???

Haven’t we been through enough? A global pandemic is bad enough. It is. Shoe designers should be bringing their best game. We need the beauty of summer and glorious footwear to look forward to. Maybe they have all cracked under the pressure too. Maybe they have been isolated in a building with only a cinderblock wall for inspiration. Maybe this is their idea of a colossal joke and they are doubled over laughing, wiping tears from their eyes. When they can catch their breath they’re like “Oh, that’s a good one! Ah ha ha ha ha, some idiot’s gonna buy those! I can’t wait to see them on the streets this summer, ha ha ha ha, gasp, snicker…collapses in laughter again. Maybe this is how they are surviving Covid’s stress. Well, if it is, more power to them, whatever gets you through the lockdown. No judging here, well, except in the case of the following Spawn of Satan sandals.

For whatever reason, trying to find some beautiful sandals to feature in my last post but it was tough slugging. Now, finding a round-up of ugly sandals? Like shooting fish in a barrel. I found 26 pairs I wouldn’t be caught dead in, in about 10 minutes. Geesh!

So join me in celebrating the worst of the worst, and we can have a laugh along with the designers. And they thought we wouldn’t catch on…

Below:

Teva’s and all their ugly progeny. No. Just No. Forever and Ever. May God remove this scourge from out planet. Amen

In the Clunky, Ugly and Definitely Dangerous Category:

Top left: When exactly do you ever need fur on a sandal? Instep a little chilly Madison? Left middle: Bright yellow and slutty with a death-wish. Mid-right: Don’t worry about teetering off the massive height dear, that tiny rubber strap between your toes will keep you safe and secure! Bottom left: Is this a work boot or a sandal? Either way, it’s a hard no for me.

Knotted/Segmented Leather

Sorry (not sorry) but knotted leather and couches like the one above, remind me of dog turd. If I have just ruined this look for you, I am not sorry. I may have saved you from a very expensive sofa purchase and almost certainly have saved you from the quiet sniggering of friends. You’re welcome. *Special mention* to the sandal in the middle which looks like something the Creature From the Black Lagoon, or any other 50’s Sci-Fi movie alien, vomited it up.

What the…?

Okay, really? WTF is going on here? You were thinking a little hike along the river? Might have to cross a few rocky rapids, better wear something sturdy. But WAIT?… what if you should stumble upon a sweet and romantic wedding? Better have a little bling then. Don’t want to be underdressed?!?!?! And what is up with that snot green bit dangling off the side of the top beauty? Honestly, if this is all a bad dream, someone please wake me.

Assorted Ugly Sandals:

• Clockwise from top left:
• Hooker in ankle sox
• Short, squat Hobbit shoe with a trap door
• Moss green suede and sequins, a time-honoured tradition
• Peter Pan meets Barbie meets athletic
• For a runner who needs orthopedics but has such a great pedicure that she doesn’t even care if she breaks an ankle
• For those times when you want it to look like your feet are sporting a toddler PFD

And the grand finale:

I have no words.

NO WAIT…I have a SONG. Please sing along with me to the tune of “Home on the Range”

Toes, toes on the range, got a pedi that I must display. Wedge heels stuck in muck, too much dirt for my truck. So I’ll ride my horse and these buckles away.

xxxooo

Callie

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